Resistance is futile

  
There’s a quote that was infused into my vocabulary at a very young age

‘If you resist, it will persist’

Now, as a strong willed daughter of a trippy hippy mother, my eyes may have rolled over and over when this was uttered. What I hadn’t the experience to know, was that the only reason it was seemingly on repeat, was due to how incredibly much I must’ve been resisting. Otherwise, perhaps her relentless quote would be more like ‘practice what you preach’ oh wait… that’s another overly familiar one…

Now, as a woman… self declared, as I found my very first grey hair last week, I’ve been spending some time in the past… Only this time, it’s been so incredibly different, revealing my indoctrinated beliefs, remembering that I’ve forgotten the way things really happened, be it through age, naivety, or sheer stubbornness. I had quashed some painful moments, magnified others. I had hated my decisions, that actually led me to such extraordinary paths. I had hurt others, when I hadn’t intended. I had held on to others, that deserved to be let go. Where am I going with this…? Pffft *shrugs shoulders* there’s a reason my pen has been dry for the better part of a year…

…Release the purge…

‘If you resist, it will persist’

As a little girl, I moved houses annually, on average. Single mum, raising me, wow, strong woman!

Throughout our moves, and the years, I learned fears. 

Fear of loss, fear of heartbreak, fear of being hated, fear of the unknown, but the one I feared most, was the darkness. How could anybody feel safe without any light?!? I hated the night. Hated the stories that were designed to make me hate the night. Hated the monsters, the men, the creaks in the walls, I hated it all.

So, of course, 30 years later, and more scares than I care to recall, I entered the blackened hollow, that had no end, I was swallowed by depression. 

And fuck me, it was dark!

‘If you resist, it will persist’

Ok, so I’m here, in my very own self induced nightmare. Nobody to question, answer to, or save me.

So, I sink. Deeper.

Scared is an understatement!

I was petrified! Frozen in time.

There was no day, only night.

Sure, my flesh would burn and peel, yet the heat of the sun was impenetrable.

Sure, my smile would stretch my lips, yet it never met my eyes.

For I was cold, alone.

I Was Dark.

Surrender became my only option. Thankfully I was in a relationship that provided me undying protection.

So, I delved, deeper…

Those demons, they called me by name.

Those men, they became my toys.

 Those monsters, they became my kin. 

What I feared all along, was actually really fucking awesome!

I finally felt at home. How had I stayed away so long? Why on earth would I be scared of this dance that I already knew the steps to…?

So, I stayed, played, made friends with every shadow that cast my walls in grey.

Wait, there’s shadows?

Where did they come from?

There’s only shadows where there’s light. Who the fuck let light in?!?

‘If you resist, it will persist’

I don’t want light!

I don’t want happiness!

I don’t want to leave this place!

You can’t make me!

I Am Home!

This is where I belong!

I’ve resisted the darkness my entire life, surely that’s why I’m here…?!?

Here comes the clarity…

I’m addicted to the dark.

I ached to find the balance of light and dark, and slipped a little too far.

It caresses every one of my fears, there’s no judgement here.

If I leave this black abyss, in search of happiness, light, love, then it’ll just be torn away again, that’s what got me here in the first place.

Nope, I’m happy here. 

Fuck the light!
‘If you resist, it will persist’

Damn these shadows!

Why are they dancing all over my cavernous walls?

Surely they’ll soon get bored.

I’ll just ignore them.

Wait, what are they writing?

‘Desire’ ‘Resist’ ‘Desire’ ‘Resist’

They’re painting with my blood, I’ve not much left to give.

Fuck, I’m dying here.

My breaths no longer expand my lungs. My mind has all but taken charge. My heart has no drum.

Another quote ‘opposites attract’

To desire something, means to resist another. I desired the light in order to be safe in my resistance from darkness. Then, I desired the freedom in the blackened space, through fear of all that the light allows you to lose. 

There’s no loss here, it’s already gone. 

Silence. 

Death.

Gasping breath!

Balance, I need to find balance.

There’s no time left to wallow in these hollows. I’m not ready to die.

‘If you resist, it will persist’

Persistence is my only option.

Balance my only choice.

I’ve met the dark, danced with my demons.

I’ve tasted the light, soared with my wings.

Today, I’m sitting in the heat of Spring sunshine, warmed by all that I’ve learned. Fear of the night drew me in, fear of the light threw me back out.

I’ve no fear for either, for my darkness that still lingers, now, simply provides the walls for my shadows to spin and twirl.
Here’s another quote, and it’s mine

‘I love you mother, and yes, you were right, again’ x