Author Archives: Megan Kay's Blog

About Megan Kay's Blog

Within my mind I find a scramble of letters, all vying for top position, upon the next verse of syntactical display that I choose to portray. Though primal purges are my forte, a few pieces of poetic nature do find their way onto my page. My only request, is that you open your mind, and let my tongue curl its way around your thoughts. I hope you enjoy my journey as much as I am. Blessings.

would you?

if you were asked

to forget everything

you thought you knew

would you?
  

if you were asked

to embrace your scars

as a masterful tattoo

would you?

if you were asked

to adopt an alternate way

of viewing blue

would you?

if you were asked

lay down your swords

and stop the abuse

would you?

if you were asked

to solve life’s puzzle

using past as the clues

would you?

  
if you were asked

to travel along a path

others deem as taboo

would you?

if you were asked

to live in a world

with a rose coloured hue

would you?

  
if you were asked

to spread your wings

and aim for the moon

would you?

if you were asked

to plant your feet

until possibilities grew

would you?
  

if you were asked

to let your pain die

and birth life anew

would you?

if you were asked

to taste the potential

and not swallow, yet chew

would you?

if you were asked

to surrender your heart

to ultimate truth

would you?

if you were asked

to create your own destiny

would you

pursue?

if you were asked

to love me

the way i love you

would you?

  
if you were asked…

would you? 

Resistance is futile

  
There’s a quote that was infused into my vocabulary at a very young age

‘If you resist, it will persist’

Now, as a strong willed daughter of a trippy hippy mother, my eyes may have rolled over and over when this was uttered. What I hadn’t the experience to know, was that the only reason it was seemingly on repeat, was due to how incredibly much I must’ve been resisting. Otherwise, perhaps her relentless quote would be more like ‘practice what you preach’ oh wait… that’s another overly familiar one…

Now, as a woman… self declared, as I found my very first grey hair last week, I’ve been spending some time in the past… Only this time, it’s been so incredibly different, revealing my indoctrinated beliefs, remembering that I’ve forgotten the way things really happened, be it through age, naivety, or sheer stubbornness. I had quashed some painful moments, magnified others. I had hated my decisions, that actually led me to such extraordinary paths. I had hurt others, when I hadn’t intended. I had held on to others, that deserved to be let go. Where am I going with this…? Pffft *shrugs shoulders* there’s a reason my pen has been dry for the better part of a year…

…Release the purge…

‘If you resist, it will persist’

As a little girl, I moved houses annually, on average. Single mum, raising me, wow, strong woman!

Throughout our moves, and the years, I learned fears. 

Fear of loss, fear of heartbreak, fear of being hated, fear of the unknown, but the one I feared most, was the darkness. How could anybody feel safe without any light?!? I hated the night. Hated the stories that were designed to make me hate the night. Hated the monsters, the men, the creaks in the walls, I hated it all.

So, of course, 30 years later, and more scares than I care to recall, I entered the blackened hollow, that had no end, I was swallowed by depression. 

And fuck me, it was dark!

‘If you resist, it will persist’

Ok, so I’m here, in my very own self induced nightmare. Nobody to question, answer to, or save me.

So, I sink. Deeper.

Scared is an understatement!

I was petrified! Frozen in time.

There was no day, only night.

Sure, my flesh would burn and peel, yet the heat of the sun was impenetrable.

Sure, my smile would stretch my lips, yet it never met my eyes.

For I was cold, alone.

I Was Dark.

Surrender became my only option. Thankfully I was in a relationship that provided me undying protection.

So, I delved, deeper…

Those demons, they called me by name.

Those men, they became my toys.

 Those monsters, they became my kin. 

What I feared all along, was actually really fucking awesome!

I finally felt at home. How had I stayed away so long? Why on earth would I be scared of this dance that I already knew the steps to…?

So, I stayed, played, made friends with every shadow that cast my walls in grey.

Wait, there’s shadows?

Where did they come from?

There’s only shadows where there’s light. Who the fuck let light in?!?

‘If you resist, it will persist’

I don’t want light!

I don’t want happiness!

I don’t want to leave this place!

You can’t make me!

I Am Home!

This is where I belong!

I’ve resisted the darkness my entire life, surely that’s why I’m here…?!?

Here comes the clarity…

I’m addicted to the dark.

I ached to find the balance of light and dark, and slipped a little too far.

It caresses every one of my fears, there’s no judgement here.

If I leave this black abyss, in search of happiness, light, love, then it’ll just be torn away again, that’s what got me here in the first place.

Nope, I’m happy here. 

Fuck the light!
‘If you resist, it will persist’

Damn these shadows!

Why are they dancing all over my cavernous walls?

Surely they’ll soon get bored.

I’ll just ignore them.

Wait, what are they writing?

‘Desire’ ‘Resist’ ‘Desire’ ‘Resist’

They’re painting with my blood, I’ve not much left to give.

Fuck, I’m dying here.

My breaths no longer expand my lungs. My mind has all but taken charge. My heart has no drum.

Another quote ‘opposites attract’

To desire something, means to resist another. I desired the light in order to be safe in my resistance from darkness. Then, I desired the freedom in the blackened space, through fear of all that the light allows you to lose. 

There’s no loss here, it’s already gone. 

Silence. 

Death.

Gasping breath!

Balance, I need to find balance.

There’s no time left to wallow in these hollows. I’m not ready to die.

‘If you resist, it will persist’

Persistence is my only option.

Balance my only choice.

I’ve met the dark, danced with my demons.

I’ve tasted the light, soared with my wings.

Today, I’m sitting in the heat of Spring sunshine, warmed by all that I’ve learned. Fear of the night drew me in, fear of the light threw me back out.

I’ve no fear for either, for my darkness that still lingers, now, simply provides the walls for my shadows to spin and twirl.
Here’s another quote, and it’s mine

‘I love you mother, and yes, you were right, again’ x

just be…

be the life

of his every breath

be the birth

that caresses death 

be the gift

that beckons presence

be the star

that circles his crescent 

be the bosom

that piques his interest

be the strength

that supports his weakness

be the limbs

that grow intertwined

be the reality

of fantasies combined

be the woman

that curves his sight

be the guide

to his every delight

be the light

that shadows his dark

be the journey

he yearns to embark

be the elixir

that conjures his sip

be the goddess

that deserves his worship

  

please…

  please

do not fear me

she snarled

through dripping teeth

for these are my demons

that lie beneath

those sheets of flesh

you had me undress

please

do not run from me

she uttered

through gargled voice

for these are my monsters

that had no choice

but to be revealed

when our love was sealed

please

do not hide from me

she begged

through hollowed eyes

for these are my wounds

that bleed but dry

from pools of emotion

you coaxed me to open

please

do not leave me

she pleaded

through shivered breath

for these are my truths

my lives, my deaths

requesting your hearts time

to assist in healing mine

it’s okay

i’m not as strong

as i thought i was

and that

is okay

because i know

that by tomorrow

i’ll be stronger

than yesterday

i’m not as brave

as i thought i was

and that too

is alright

for this armor

that weighed me down

is now often

feeling light

i’m not as happy

as i thought i was

a painstaking

truth

although the sun

still reminds me

that the sky too

is blue 

i’m not as smart

as i once wished i was

nope

no nobel prize

what i may lack

in fact keeping

i truly strive

with the wise

i’m not as pretty

as i once hoped

i’d grow

to be

i do however

live moments

of pure

poetic beauty

i’m not as stable

as i hoped to be

in this stage

of my life

however i’m grateful

that these walls i built

could be taken down

by a lone pocket knife

i’m not as confident

as i lead others

to believe

to see

i am vulnerable

i am weak

i am still learning how

to be me

…and that

is okay…

because although i can’t

repaint the past

i can

sketch a new today

 

#PicturePromptChallenge by Megan Kay

What a truly humbling day, to have my words added to this ever growing list of exquisitely penned Poets and Authors. If gratitude could spill from ones pores, consider me love slickened! Thank you Deb!
Please, click on the link and allow yourselves some time to scroll through this delightful myriad of poetic interpretation, enjoy x

Words across the Oceans

image

IF MY LIFE WAS A PLAY

If my life was a play
I’d set the stage
with a path
cast in darkness
There’d be tangled limbs
bowing to the winds
that constantly whispered
of times change
There’d be a moon
swollen with howls
however now
perhaps with wishes
And a star studded sky
just there to remind me
of how minuscule
I truly am

If my life was a play
I’d set the stage
with flickers
of warm candlelight
There’d be no need
to rehearse my verses
for my truth
would spill from my eyes
My past would be behind me
my future not yet scripted
and my now
I’d gift solely to you
There’d be no bells and whistles
I’d not cue the violins
There’d be just me, bared
in naked vulnerability

If my life was a play
I’d set the stage
with a path
that lead me to…

View original post 23 more words

in complete heart

she’d been here before

turning this very corner
only to stumble
upon another sharp edge
cutting into her every truth
she knew
there’d be a hill up ahead
a climb of tiring incline
that curved gently at the crest
allowing a brief triumphant rest
before yet another slide
into more
of the flesh scoring stories
that held her life’s stride
as she traced her way
around the edges
to the familiar beat
of this puzzled heart
always
right back to the start
her journey seemed endless
as though she’d been placed
strategically positioned
in a much bigger game
she had her moments
of immense shame
blaming her lack of understanding
as to why she kept returning
to this blackened terrain
until today
when she doubled over
only not in crippled pain
but how this conundrum
that commanded her attention
suddenly rippled in vivid reflection
this hollowed cavern
that she’d avoided
for eternal days and nights
was never a missing piece
yet her own beautiful darkness
filling her heart
piecing her whole
in peace
complete
This poem was originally entered into a Voella Poetry Challenge. To view it on their site, and scroll some wonderfully poetic minds, click here. Trust me, take a coffee with you 😉

Far from through

From a very young age I’ve spent a majority of my time enveloped in darkness. Glimpses of light sporadically peeking through, more as a reminder that the tunnel I’m exploring does indeed seem to have an end. Love, being the ultimate goal, caused my search to deepen beyond the flesh of life’s soils, and dig… Boy, did I dig! Throughout my journey, I’ve met demons that wore my face, as their chastising voices laced my every thought. Until I thought, no more. I surrendered. I gave in. The blackened hole that was how I knew my soul to be, completely swallowed me.
Depression claimed me. It was bliss!
I no longer needed to hide my tears, no longer needed to paint on a smile, no need to be, anything. I had found the perfect dark corner of the world. Indifference. From here, nobody could ever reach me, harm me, hurt me, kill me, love me…wait… Nobody can ever love me… Fuck! What have I done?
Yeah, it’s one thing to realise that you’ve buried yourself alive, it’s a completely different task when recognising that it’s only you that has the claws that can scrape through this cryptic labrynth that you’ve burrowed your way into over the past three decades. Where the fuck does one start? Is the beginning the last shovel of dirt i coated my mind in, or is it all the way back to the first?
Now the claustrophobia kicks in! Great! The weight of every decision I have ever made crushing my chest, even the moments that I left for others to create seem to have fallen and landed on my already suffocating breath. The universe is fucked up, and it’s all my fault! Ok, so maybe this seems a tad dramatic, but I never said depression was rational. Honestly, I believe rationality is far overrated anyway. If I let my ‘mature’ mind decide all the paths to take, where’s the room, the freedom, to learn, grow from my own mistakes?
I picked up a saying, just a few years ago, in a moment where a microphone was being shoved into the faces of my best friend and I, karaoke! No way! We both shrilled… Until, she turned to me, and said, “What would your 65 year old self say?”
So, we both skipped to the stage and belted out a tune… It was hideous. But fuck it was fun! From then on, this 65 year old me has been pretty much cross stitching me new pieces of bravery from the opposite shoulder to the little lady I have labeled ‘miss rationality’. Which one wears red, who cares? All I know, is that before I even consult with lil miss, I give the aging lady a spin and twirl. Oh the things this 65 year old woman has had me do, I’m seriously blushing at the thoughts. Perhaps when I’m her age, I’ll write about the life we shared.
All I know, is that one moment of courage is enough to start turning these retched soils over…
All I know, is this darkness that lingers, whispers, beckons my return, is just another sign for me to pick up that shiny microphone and belt out another terribly pitched tune…
All I know, is that this 65 year old self and I are far from through!

…and the journey continues…

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Darkness

A 15 year old boy from my children’s school committed suicide yesterday. While my heart swells with incomprehensible compassion for his family, my head is (at the risk of sounding a complete bitch) fucking sad, confused and angry!
He reached out, on facebook, and was greeted with niceties, offers of help, kindness… He didn’t take them.
What he did take, was…..nothing.
The End.
Now, I for one, have found myself in serious contemplation of ending my life, and trust me, it didn’t end with my teens…
Darkness happens…
To every being here.
Darkness is not afraid to grab hold of a strong person and break them, darkness doesn’t discriminate against riches…
Darkness is… It just is… Dark.
The thing that angers me, is the fact that this boy, will never, EVER, see the light at the end of his struggle. He’ll never be able to look at his wounds and scars, and smile to himself coz he made it, through that pain…
He’ll not meet his adult self, not share a moment of ecstatic love, not hold a baby of his own, not grow into all that he could be.
He just is…. Gone…
My heart breaks in times like these. I just wish he knew there was so very much more to see, do…
Now I’m not going to sit here and blow wind up you, by saying as soon as you decide to keep going, life magically becomes sparkly and effortless, it doesn’t. It’s hard. Sometimes so bloody hard, you can’t see straight, but fuck, it’s so worth it!

Please, if you’re reading this, just know, for every reason you believe you won’t ever reach the end of the dark, there’s a billion more as to why you deserve to greet it…alive!

Take care of that heart, it’ll thank you when you experience a moment of understanding as to why we go/grow through things like this.

Love you, always xx

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One year on…

One year ago today, on old hallows eve, I picked up the keys to my new life. Since then, I have run around like a crazed woman, unlocking doors I never dreamed truly existed. The breeze that enveloped me had soft tones of a previously unmet freedom, yet, the scent that lingered, and is continuously swirling, is that of flourishing growth, broadening with intent of nourishment.
One year ago, I closed the door on a 22 year long relationship, marriage. I must admit, the entire journey has been nothing short of overwhelming.
Firstly, the man I have spent most moments of my life with, is one that has completely earned my gratitude and respect, not to mention my lifelong friendship, but more than that, he held my hand through breaths that turned into tears, that grew into years of a girl questioning her inner world. He held my heart when the darkness claimed my entirety. He held a light, knowing that one day I’d find the strength to open my eyes, see it, and seek to live in it. I’m not sure if whilst doing this, he even contemplated that once I tasted the light, I’d possibly step free of his caress, and fly into the sunset, but he did it anyway, selflessly, only to kiss me, as my feet stepped over the marital threshold, into the life I was destined to be part of. He owns my awe. I’m not sure if I’d have that kind of strength and composure. I’m so eternally grateful that he did. Does.
So, on this day, twelve months later, all I have to show for my newfound boundless space, is this cheshire grin. Not just a toothy smirk that has been painted on with my makeup, rather one that honestly, I would need to struggle in order to stop it from escaping from within. It is the most real thing I have felt, in what seems like eternity. All I have is this smile. And the man to thank is the very one that wiped away torrents of tears. So this message, is purely a letter of love, for the past, the present, and the future…. Bring it on!
Thank you M, for being my savior. You deserve every happiness this world has to offer. Love You xxx

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