Tag Archives: depression

Far from through

From a very young age I’ve spent a majority of my time enveloped in darkness. Glimpses of light sporadically peeking through, more as a reminder that the tunnel I’m exploring does indeed seem to have an end. Love, being the ultimate goal, caused my search to deepen beyond the flesh of life’s soils, and dig… Boy, did I dig! Throughout my journey, I’ve met demons that wore my face, as their chastising voices laced my every thought. Until I thought, no more. I surrendered. I gave in. The blackened hole that was how I knew my soul to be, completely swallowed me.
Depression claimed me. It was bliss!
I no longer needed to hide my tears, no longer needed to paint on a smile, no need to be, anything. I had found the perfect dark corner of the world. Indifference. From here, nobody could ever reach me, harm me, hurt me, kill me, love me…wait… Nobody can ever love me… Fuck! What have I done?
Yeah, it’s one thing to realise that you’ve buried yourself alive, it’s a completely different task when recognising that it’s only you that has the claws that can scrape through this cryptic labrynth that you’ve burrowed your way into over the past three decades. Where the fuck does one start? Is the beginning the last shovel of dirt i coated my mind in, or is it all the way back to the first?
Now the claustrophobia kicks in! Great! The weight of every decision I have ever made crushing my chest, even the moments that I left for others to create seem to have fallen and landed on my already suffocating breath. The universe is fucked up, and it’s all my fault! Ok, so maybe this seems a tad dramatic, but I never said depression was rational. Honestly, I believe rationality is far overrated anyway. If I let my ‘mature’ mind decide all the paths to take, where’s the room, the freedom, to learn, grow from my own mistakes?
I picked up a saying, just a few years ago, in a moment where a microphone was being shoved into the faces of my best friend and I, karaoke! No way! We both shrilled… Until, she turned to me, and said, “What would your 65 year old self say?”
So, we both skipped to the stage and belted out a tune… It was hideous. But fuck it was fun! From then on, this 65 year old me has been pretty much cross stitching me new pieces of bravery from the opposite shoulder to the little lady I have labeled ‘miss rationality’. Which one wears red, who cares? All I know, is that before I even consult with lil miss, I give the aging lady a spin and twirl. Oh the things this 65 year old woman has had me do, I’m seriously blushing at the thoughts. Perhaps when I’m her age, I’ll write about the life we shared.
All I know, is that one moment of courage is enough to start turning these retched soils over…
All I know, is this darkness that lingers, whispers, beckons my return, is just another sign for me to pick up that shiny microphone and belt out another terribly pitched tune…
All I know, is that this 65 year old self and I are far from through!

…and the journey continues…

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Darkness

A 15 year old boy from my children’s school committed suicide yesterday. While my heart swells with incomprehensible compassion for his family, my head is (at the risk of sounding a complete bitch) fucking sad, confused and angry!
He reached out, on facebook, and was greeted with niceties, offers of help, kindness… He didn’t take them.
What he did take, was…..nothing.
The End.
Now, I for one, have found myself in serious contemplation of ending my life, and trust me, it didn’t end with my teens…
Darkness happens…
To every being here.
Darkness is not afraid to grab hold of a strong person and break them, darkness doesn’t discriminate against riches…
Darkness is… It just is… Dark.
The thing that angers me, is the fact that this boy, will never, EVER, see the light at the end of his struggle. He’ll never be able to look at his wounds and scars, and smile to himself coz he made it, through that pain…
He’ll not meet his adult self, not share a moment of ecstatic love, not hold a baby of his own, not grow into all that he could be.
He just is…. Gone…
My heart breaks in times like these. I just wish he knew there was so very much more to see, do…
Now I’m not going to sit here and blow wind up you, by saying as soon as you decide to keep going, life magically becomes sparkly and effortless, it doesn’t. It’s hard. Sometimes so bloody hard, you can’t see straight, but fuck, it’s so worth it!

Please, if you’re reading this, just know, for every reason you believe you won’t ever reach the end of the dark, there’s a billion more as to why you deserve to greet it…alive!

Take care of that heart, it’ll thank you when you experience a moment of understanding as to why we go/grow through things like this.

Love you, always xx

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