Far from through

From a very young age I’ve spent a majority of my time enveloped in darkness. Glimpses of light sporadically peeking through, more as a reminder that the tunnel I’m exploring does indeed seem to have an end. Love, being the ultimate goal, caused my search to deepen beyond the flesh of life’s soils, and dig… Boy, did I dig! Throughout my journey, I’ve met demons that wore my face, as their chastising voices laced my every thought. Until I thought, no more. I surrendered. I gave in. The blackened hole that was how I knew my soul to be, completely swallowed me.
Depression claimed me. It was bliss!
I no longer needed to hide my tears, no longer needed to paint on a smile, no need to be, anything. I had found the perfect dark corner of the world. Indifference. From here, nobody could ever reach me, harm me, hurt me, kill me, love me…wait… Nobody can ever love me… Fuck! What have I done?
Yeah, it’s one thing to realise that you’ve buried yourself alive, it’s a completely different task when recognising that it’s only you that has the claws that can scrape through this cryptic labrynth that you’ve burrowed your way into over the past three decades. Where the fuck does one start? Is the beginning the last shovel of dirt i coated my mind in, or is it all the way back to the first?
Now the claustrophobia kicks in! Great! The weight of every decision I have ever made crushing my chest, even the moments that I left for others to create seem to have fallen and landed on my already suffocating breath. The universe is fucked up, and it’s all my fault! Ok, so maybe this seems a tad dramatic, but I never said depression was rational. Honestly, I believe rationality is far overrated anyway. If I let my ‘mature’ mind decide all the paths to take, where’s the room, the freedom, to learn, grow from my own mistakes?
I picked up a saying, just a few years ago, in a moment where a microphone was being shoved into the faces of my best friend and I, karaoke! No way! We both shrilled… Until, she turned to me, and said, “What would your 65 year old self say?”
So, we both skipped to the stage and belted out a tune… It was hideous. But fuck it was fun! From then on, this 65 year old me has been pretty much cross stitching me new pieces of bravery from the opposite shoulder to the little lady I have labeled ‘miss rationality’. Which one wears red, who cares? All I know, is that before I even consult with lil miss, I give the aging lady a spin and twirl. Oh the things this 65 year old woman has had me do, I’m seriously blushing at the thoughts. Perhaps when I’m her age, I’ll write about the life we shared.
All I know, is that one moment of courage is enough to start turning these retched soils over…
All I know, is this darkness that lingers, whispers, beckons my return, is just another sign for me to pick up that shiny microphone and belt out another terribly pitched tune…
All I know, is that this 65 year old self and I are far from through!

…and the journey continues…

need (n.)

need (n.) anything that is necessary

need varies from that of a want, it speaks of an instance where without it the consequences could result in such negativity as dysfunction, or death. yet, a word, so freely used in place of a desperate want, an aching desire, an overwhelming urge to experience something.
need delivers fresh air into our needy lungs, a steady flow of blood to pump through our needy veins.
need forces us to consume fluids and foods in order to even reap the benefits of needing to expand said needy lungs and hearts.
but what of when a want presents itself, so deliberately, so incessantly, so constantly, that it itself, becomes a need? do we merely want, to feed it? or is it truly a need?
will i die, if i don’t seek this, follow this path, experience this?
will i literally die?
you know, i believe i could sometimes. perhaps not in a few moments, as would be, if a pillow was suffocating me, but a slow, potentially painful fall, into an aching disparity, yes, i believe i could actually die.
ok, so let me offer an example.
one chosen due to personal reasons, yet also because many of you that read me, either write, or read of such particular need.

the need to submit.

stop.
have i perhaps conjured in you, a niggling need, to offer your minds opinion?
if not, keep reading
if so, keep reading

the need to submit
so, before i continue, let me just state, when i speak of submitting, in this tense, i am writing of the lifestyle of an unparalleled relationship between a Dominant, and submissive, a Master, and slave, not submitting your final draft in on time, or an overnight movie rental. However, those too, could possibly result in death, depending on your circumstance. this post is not to reveal my personal reasons for traveling this vastly misunderstood path, rather to expand on my ‘need’ for clarity when using and believing in the words i/we choose to infuse my/our minds with.

now, even if you have no interest, no prior knowledge, no lingering care factor for this subject, i don’t believe you need, to stop reading… ha! see what i did there? in other words, reading these following words won’t kill you.
damn i love english.

as many submissive hearts that beat on this planet doesn’t even come close to how many reasons that they do, so i’ll not even attempt to cover where the need stems from. what i will say, is the sheer force, of their conscious decision to kneel before another human, in complete surrender of will, is not merely a want, a desire, a silly whim, it is indeed a need.

need to nod or shake your head with an opinion yet?

many lives, are born into kneeling, be that to a God of their families upbringing, a soldier, captured, begging for release, or even a woman born into scrubbing floors. each of these examples may seem opinionated, but really, they all speak of need. a need to serve. to survive.

i believe we were each put on this earth to serve. be that of a religion, as a messenger of faith, or one called to battle, for his country, or a medical practitioner, serving to preserve the health of our planet. even retailers, are in service, yes, many for the profit, but that’s a separate conversation, on integrity, still, they’re working their asses off in order to serve the people with an ache to persuade their hands to dig deep into profitable pockets.

we were born to serve.

need becomes blurred, when an over active mind, such as mine, works and warps words into all sorts of contorted loops of ludicrous lunacy.
need becomes blurred, when one questions the indeed severity of the word and meaning itself, death, possible death. surely that is enough to stop this internal conversation of how i can even keep dancing with the notion that submission to another being is indeed a need.
yeah, as you can possibly see, that’s not quite the case, and here’s why.

even before her eyelids part of a morn, thoughts, visions, emotions stir, swirl through her veins, claim her first waking breath, her reason to stretch, her little sly smile, her arching silent purr, even before she climbs from her bed, her mind has been swept aside in search of desire. then, a sigh. why?
so she continues with her day, mothering, housemaid, worker, slave, mmmm slave, intoxication again spills as she fulfills her duties with a fervor, as if her every motion has been instructed, directed, projected by a force other than herself. now, surely she must be crazy! she knows nothing of having such a life, always strived toward her goals, capable, confident, successful in her own right, decisions made through her heart, not mind, she held a power of her own, deliberate, purposeful, grateful and gracious, yet here she was, walking through her days, imagining a presence that overpowered hers, another sigh, why?
is it a want, a desire, a yearning to be lazy, to have another decide how each day should be? is it a silly game she keeps playing to make it seem as though her days aren’t so lonely, like her time is allocated for something more worthy? what is this incessant scream inside her mind, what is this overwhelming surge of emotion that constantly consumes her to the point of tears?
tears, she spilled, for something she’d never seen, never knew, never believed, yet dreamed, tears, bucketing her hopes, in surrender of allowing herself to not know what this was all for, what could she possibly need, she had earned her all, and more, yet the tears, would still fall. why?
her days, splayed in a blurred devotion of denial, she needed no other than the air to fill her lungs, a painted smile replaced her cries, yet the mirror she turned to, never could hide the sadness in her eyes. why?
years, yes, years would go by, in the blink of an eye, seemingly so, unless it’s your soul that knows, there’s no more ways to hide, her shoulders slowly curled from their posture of pride, her tired frame, she blamed on the day to day, her health, waning, in ways that can not be healed by doctors or surgery, not yet, why?
shaking off salacious thoughts, for the shame of constantly craving for something so socially degrading was all too strong…
hands, strong, soft smooth hands, fingers that curl in a come hither motion, fuck, her heart bursts into palpitations, his lap, beckoning her body to lay upon, naked, of all her inhibitions, all her self doubts, all her thoughts, her lists, her duties, her reason, her everything, her nothing, with one look, one motion, one breath, one slow curl of his lip, he alone, cleared it all, her mind, finally fell silent…
need, this, is her need, to kneel, before him, deliver her body, free her mind, offer her heart, break open her soul, need, this, is her need, to have another be her savior, to take her hand, in guidance, in deviance, in destined enlightenment, he needs, as much as she, for her to need him, to be serving him, to be his, to own, to use, to abuse, cherish, dote, adore, explore, expand, command, delve, to deliver, experience unquestionable trust, surrender to human truths untold, to be completely exposed without self judgement, pushed beyond boundaries, revealed, revered, hurt, repaired, spanked and soothed, coil inward upon command in knowing you’ll be unfurled, choked of the air screaming to be inhaled as the crippling wave of orgasms crash your writhing soul into an existential flight into bliss, no not orgasms, full body quaking spasms, mind altering spaces outlined by infinite lines, yes, need, her need is to be bound, by ropes and chains, marking her flesh as remnants in reminder of the bind that pulls firmer once freed from the physical, the strings of her heart, plucked and strummed by her freedom to kneel, in open surrender, total submission of her free will.

need (n.) anything that is necessary for survival

you may not believe, conceive, even understand this need, yet all that have felt, just a single moment of receiving that sharp intake of air upon wondering, panicking, hoping you’d actually make it to the surface of the downward pulling seaside current, the clarity of life that suddenly drowns your very being, because, you breathed, because, you needed to, you reached, and succeeded.

i’m not asking for retort, nor do i need it, not requesting opinions, because, these are my own, not hoping i swayed you into being a collared slave, not pretending my musings are anything than my own minds meander, however, if you have read this far, then i am grateful for the time, and do hope i inspired some seeking minds to believe, that a need, may not be seen as such by another being, but please, don’t let that stop you, cripple you, kill you.
a need, is a need, if you can’t breathe without it.

be free
love, me xx