Tag Archives: strength

Darkness

A 15 year old boy from my children’s school committed suicide yesterday. While my heart swells with incomprehensible compassion for his family, my head is (at the risk of sounding a complete bitch) fucking sad, confused and angry!
He reached out, on facebook, and was greeted with niceties, offers of help, kindness… He didn’t take them.
What he did take, was…..nothing.
The End.
Now, I for one, have found myself in serious contemplation of ending my life, and trust me, it didn’t end with my teens…
Darkness happens…
To every being here.
Darkness is not afraid to grab hold of a strong person and break them, darkness doesn’t discriminate against riches…
Darkness is… It just is… Dark.
The thing that angers me, is the fact that this boy, will never, EVER, see the light at the end of his struggle. He’ll never be able to look at his wounds and scars, and smile to himself coz he made it, through that pain…
He’ll not meet his adult self, not share a moment of ecstatic love, not hold a baby of his own, not grow into all that he could be.
He just is…. Gone…
My heart breaks in times like these. I just wish he knew there was so very much more to see, do…
Now I’m not going to sit here and blow wind up you, by saying as soon as you decide to keep going, life magically becomes sparkly and effortless, it doesn’t. It’s hard. Sometimes so bloody hard, you can’t see straight, but fuck, it’s so worth it!

Please, if you’re reading this, just know, for every reason you believe you won’t ever reach the end of the dark, there’s a billion more as to why you deserve to greet it…alive!

Take care of that heart, it’ll thank you when you experience a moment of understanding as to why we go/grow through things like this.

Love you, always xx

IMG_3464.JPG

I’m taking you with me

‘It’s been too long
since you visited me’
Her wide eyes
filled with tears
as her tiny arms
clung to my neck
‘I’ve been busy my love
but I’m here, let’s just be’
My tight squeeze
releasing
as I place her
back down to her feet
‘You lied to me
you said I’d be fine
Nobody would hurt me
no more tears
no more pain
no more
you promised
no more’
Her perfect little hand
cupped in mine
swinging in time
with her youthful step
‘I know, I lied
But only about the tears
I never knew
how much I’d cry
and as for the pain
that happens
when you open your heart
to let another inside
The worst hurt though
is the agony
of when you’re alone
When there’s no other
to smile for
to lie for
that is the time
where you’ll do your most
growing’
Round eyes of hope
quickly filled with fear
her perfect pout
began to quiver
‘Hey’
I cut in
to the silence
of our stride
‘Remember that time
when you got lost
in the forest
and closed your eyes
and something inside
spoke to your scared mind?
Remember that time
when your dreams
returned you there
night after night
and your screams
woke your fears?’
My voice softened
as her 8 year old hand
fell from my hold
‘Those dreams stopped
you know
only two weeks ago’
Her eyes filled
with a determined glow
‘Yes, my love
that’s why I am here
to ask you to remember
forever
the immense power
you portrayed
Those sweaty dreams
your terrified screams
your fear of falling asleep
knowing he’d find you
chase you
through darkness
that never ceased
Relentlessly
until your terror
had mum
rocking you awake’
Her smile grew
a relief swept her cheeks
She knew
exactly what she did
‘I faced him
I stopped running
I let him capture me
I fully gave in
He only wanted me
when I was afraid
When the chase
was fueled by my fear
my drenching tears
He only wanted me
when I fought
and you know
he disappeared
like a black ghost
when I let him
take me’
Bravery
laced with understanding
again had her tiny hand
swing to our steps
‘Please baby,
listen to me
that’s all the memory
you’ll need
to free
yourself
from any bind
that life finds
Trust
in your strength
your ability
to face your fears
no matter how black
they appear
Surrender
to them
give in
but don’t give up
I may have fibbed
about the tears
but I promise
everything
will be alright’
Lowering to my knees
cupping plump cheeks
in between my aging hands
Looking deeply
into the eyes
of my own
youthful Self
‘You’re ready’
I whispered
into her pooling blues
‘You’re leaving me again’
‘No, my love
not this time
I’m taking you with me
to face these demons
of mine’

20131019-103844.jpg